Somehow, this prompted the statement, I don’t know if it was mine or my mother’s, that only Bad Santas shop at the Dollar Tree.

This has only escalated over the last few weeks into threats that Bad Santa is coming to visit, followed by plaintive cries of “NO BAD SANTA!!” Or alternatively “ONLY GOOD SANTA.”

As Bad Santa shaped into a figure of myth and legend at the Fougner Family Barn, he developed an origin story which involved him being Good Santa’s younger brother who was always overshadowed by his more successful older brother, Good Santa, and I think he was raised by his evil aunt and uncle in a cupboard under the stairs, because that’s not anyone else’s history. Anyway, Bad Santa’s job is to bring horrible presents to all the naughty boys and girls.

GUESS WHO CAME TO OUR HOUSE THIS YEAR? WE MUST HAVE BEEN VERY BAD.

Bad Santa comes on Christmas Eve before everyone goes to bed. He brings a dead tree and decorates it with old rags to make it look like snow. He brings gifts like gopher traps, fly paper, and paper towels:

I know lots of people are posting their exciting hauls of Christmas gifts, but I CHALLENGE ANY OF YOU TO TOP THIS:

1) Off-brand disposable dental floss pics.
2) A night light without a light bulb.
3) A pack of four fly catchers.
4) A 16 oz bottle of Ajax soap
5) Two disposable aluminum foil cake pans.

YEAH. BEAT THAT BAD SANTA LIST.

When we woke this morning, there was another Christmas Miracle! In the night, the Magical Bad Santa Hat had appeared atop Bad Santa’s tree!

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That is earrings, courtesy of pixycat! Who also happens to be my newest addition to my friendslist, so EXCITING ABOUT THAT. Thank you so much!

I’ve also been having some good conversations with Mere today. They go like this:

Mere: (3:15:53 PM) why does my sinus cavity hate me?
Tea: (3:16:20 PM) because when adam and eve defied god in eden, he punished them by creating sinuses
Mere: (3:16:51 PM) oh ok
Mere: (3:36:32 PM) that was a poor move on their part
Tea: (3:36:38 PM) yeah
Tea: (3:36:44 PM) they shouldn’t have eaten that apple
Mere: (3:37:04 PM) slash pomegranate
Tea: (3:41:55 PM) yes
Tea: (3:42:23 PM) but see pomegranate was the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil. apple was the fruit of the tree of sinus headaches.
Tea: (3:42:47 PM) little known fact
Mere: (3:46:00 PM) oh, very interesting
Mere: (4:46:51 PM) also, dogs make the worst secretaries
Tea: (4:47:45 PM) well after crocodiles
Mere: (4:48:45 PM) yes
Mere: (4:48:53 PM) but they are very bad at their jobs.
Tea: (4:48:59 PM) yes
Mere: (4:49:06 PM) they either sleep on the job
Mere: (4:49:18 PM) or they are trying to hand me their angry bird toy
Tea: (4:49:35 PM) that is an important task for a secretary
Mere: (4:49:40 PM) crocodiles have the decency to try and eat you
Tea: (4:49:42 PM) if you are the secretary of angry birds toys
Mere: (4:49:49 PM) yes, true
Tea: (4:49:55 PM) yes but they eat the files too
Mere: (4:50:13 PM) but they are effective paper shredders
Tea: (4:50:17 PM) true
Tea: (4:50:24 PM) it’s just that they also shred the desk
Tea: (4:50:32 PM) and the copy machine
Mere: (4:50:43 PM) so they’re a bit overzealous
Tea: (4:50:50 PM) yes
Mere: (4:50:55 PM) they have a true puritan work ethic
Tea: (4:50:56 PM) they like their job too much
Tea: (4:51:08 PM) they should really take some vacation
Mere: (4:51:28 PM) yes, so that they don’t get burned out
Mere: (4:51:39 PM) or in their case, dull
Tea: (4:52:33 PM) there is nothing worse than a dull crocodile
Tea: (4:52:40 PM) except maybe a dog secretary
Tea: (4:53:21 PM) we have had some good conversations today. do you mind if i post them to lj to share?
Mere: (4:53:35 PM) please do
Tea: (4:53:39 PM) hooray
Mere: (4:54:00 PM) i expect the harvard business journal would be interested to hear our managerial perspective
Tea: (4:54:06 PM) i agree
Mere: (4:55:03 PM) secretary #2 is licking himself. sigh.

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Part 1 is A New Year’s Gift for you all: Tea Paper Dolls!

click here to download the printable-cuttable hi-res version!

Instructions: print out with a color printer on oak tag. Cut out with a pair of scissors. Then dress me!
All of the clothes included are clothes I actually own!

Part 2 is a photographic story about unwrapping Christmas presents.

My father got very artistic with the presents this year. This first one was for my mother:

Description: There is a sunshine and a snowman. The snowman is saying “Sun Melts Away the Pounds!” Let me just say that my father’s artistic abilities? Would be the envy of many nursery schoolers.

There were several others with snowmen on them, but the piece de resistance was a drawing on one of my packages:

Description:

In picture #1, there is a picture of what my father claims is a chicken, in spite of the fact that is has four legs and no wings, in front of a box marked “Chick.” The caption says: “Why did Chicken get Present??”

Picture #2 just says “Give up???” And has a bunc h of arrows indicating that we should turn the box over. It is like Laffy Taffy, but with a box! AWESOME.

And Picture #3 is the answer to our riddle! It says, “Answer– If they don’t celebrate Chickenmas, may as well celebrate Christmas… Hey– This ain’t no dumb cluck!

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liret

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