"I'm not," he said, voice strained. "I am askin' you. Do you for real think it would be . . . better, easier, whatever . . . if we just stopped?"

Elaine gnashed her teeth, raking the upper ones over her lower lip. "I'm scared," she told him. "I'm scared that by the time I'm ready for you, you'll be over and done with me. I'm scared that if we do this now, we'll get sick of each other and split up and never have a chance at anything for real. I'm scared you'll meet somebody else who won't ask you to do such impossible things, somebody impossibly perfect or somebody who's as thoughtful as you are and not inconsiderate like me. I could live with...you know, not sleeping with you, if it would make things easier for you."

He put up with her pained expression for all of three heartbeats before he put his arms around her. "And I'm afraid I'm just gonner wait on you and nothing will ever come of it. I'm afraid I'm gonner just blow up at you one of these days. I'll regret it as soon as it happens, but when it's happening, I'll mean it. I always mean it." He rubbed her back. "Plus on my part I think the not-sleeping-together would last about a week."

He looked back at her. "If you think that you can maybe work this out on the ship, figger out what you're gonner do, when you get a little distance between you and Jochy . . . even if you need me to stay out of your way a little while so that you can mull things over, that's fine, I can do that. But I mean it. If you pick him, don't come back to me. If you pick me, don't go back to him. I can still be your friend if you want to. But I really think goin' both ways will mess even that up in the end."

She slung her arms around his waist, pressing her face into his damp shirt. "When I'm with him, I want to pick him," she said. "When I'm with you, I want to pick you. He's never...he hasn't made any offer like that," she said. "I wish I could be like him sometimes and just sleep with people without it meaning anything! I think-- I think when he told me I shouldn't just be stuck with him, he expected I would be able to fool around with somebody just for fun, but I don't...that's not me," she said quietly. "You're my best friend. Dluthchara. I...I know," she said. "That's why I'm trying to not just jump into this, because I will pick on of you on impulse and then decide a day or two later I picked wrong. And I don't want to lie to either of you. I won't do that. I mean, maybe if I pick one of you now and things don't work out, maybe much, much later...but not right away. I won't be fickle. I just..." She gave him a plaintive look. "I wish there were a girl here I could talk to who isn't related to you. They're all too loyal," she told him, with a halfhearted smile, and looked up at him. "I do adore you," she said softly. "I do."

"I don't think I could say that again and mean it," he told her. "I told you. I really have been thinkin' about this all day. There isn't that much else to think about when you have tar fumes up your nose. And that was the only answer I could think of that didn't sound too much like a spaniel pup hoppin' up and down at your feet. I won't do that. For anyone. But this hurts too much."

His throat contracted painfully between swallows and he almost didn't connect it to anything. He kissed her forehead to buy some time until the lump went away.

When he kissed her, her eyes started to water. "I begged Jochy not to break things off," she said, her voice squeaky. "I shouldn't have; I should have let him walk away, but I...I was trying to prove he wasn't right, that I wasn't just stringing him along. I wouldn't do that. And I'm scared because if I lose him, I'll really lose him. He won't hang around and be my friend. And I just...you're right, you know you're right. I know you're right, but I can't beg Jochy and not beg you. Does that sound stupid? I know it sounds stupid. But I feel like if I don't beg you, that's the same as picking him. I don't know what I'm doing," she said miserably. "What do you want? What will make things better for you?"

"Not havin' to have this conversation all the time. That would make things better for me. Just havin' it this once, and gettin' everything worked out, and going on from there." Looking worried, he rubbed her shoulder. "Wait, did I miss a step? When did we start beggin' here?"

"We didn't," Elaine answered, giving him a hug around the waist. "I was trying to explain instead of beg. I begged Jochy and I shouldn't have. I feel like...what does it mean, if I beg him and not you? Because you're right. If I really wanted to be decent about this, I'd break things off with both of you while I make up my mind, not hold you both hostage."

"So do that." It sounded so simple to him. "Who cares what it means if you beg him and not me? I don't want you to beg, that's embarrassing. I wouldn't ask you to do anything I wouldn't do."

"I can't," Elaine said, her chin trembling. "I broke things off with Jochy for all of a week while he had those stupid emeralds in him, and he went and slept with somebody else. And you're not going to-- I mean, I don't think you'd do that, but I need you, Star. I just-- I do. I care. Every time I don't treat you both the same, I wonder what it means."