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Seas Of Erin > Cecilia > This is our final breakdown
Posted by: Jochy Melechen Jun 7 2008, 06:05 PM
((Okay, this was a mailplay between Aleph and me, taking place just before the Red left Cecilia. It was meant to just be some AU Pr0n, a 'what if Jochy didn't have any willpower' thing. However, the beginning of it turned out to be so interesting we decided that yes, this is Canon. It will continue in the members forum later, and THAT bit, the pr0n, definitely never happened! But until then, enjoy the angst:)
Seth did not want to be here.
Staring at the iron door to the iron room where the man he swore to himself he would not see again like this was.
Where Jochy was. His ex-husband. His former lover. The one who'd betrayed him and been betrayed by him. The one with whom he'd shared countless tears and rages and fears and apologies and accusations.
He hated being here.
Because he was lonely.
Because this ship scared him and people kept looking at him with pity.
Because he was locked inside his own body that he could not get to stay clean and wanted something outside himself.
He wanted to scream or claw his heart out. Instead, though, he knocked on the door and swallowed down bile.
Sometimes the only place of privacy you could get on this ship, was in the sickbay. Jochy was not surprised, the bloody dwarves were as communal as a bunch of bees, but sometimes he just needed to be alone. Then he came here, with the excuse of caring for his foot.
Something he still needed to do. The wound was healing badly, and needed to be cleaned on a regular basis. It was painful and disgusting work, but it helped him focus. And, once it was done and he had wrapped himself up, he felt pretty damn good.
Then came the knock on the door.
"Oi, I'll be out in just a sec." Jochy sighed and grimaced, he had hoped to hide here for an hour or two more, he usually managed to do that. It was a good place when the weather was bad.
Seth took a deep breath and rested his scarred fingertips on the door for a moment.
There was a time when he would have been able to see the man through it. Known what he was doing. What he was wearing. How he smelled. Even more than Jochy himself, Seth missed MAGIC.
Which, he supposed, was likely a goodly portion of the problem.
He flexed his other hand slightly and pushed his way in, quietly closing the door behind him.
They had parted on good enough terms. There had been tears, yes. But no screaming. No yelling. Far less... far less of a reaction than the mage had expected. He licked his narrow lips for a moment before taking a step into the room, a hand on one of the beds as if to steady himself.
"Hello, Jochy," was all he could get out, though he longed to say more things than his pale throat seemed able to get out.
"Wow, you look more like shit than I feel. Spent too much time in the sun?" Jochy was sitting on the small bench that pretended to be a table. He had re-splinted his foot by now, and it was healing a lot better now that he didn't have to do any running around in town.
It... he supposed it should feel awkward. Honestly, it did. But Seth had dumped him and...
He had been angry for so long that it really almost had settled.
Except of course until Seth licked his thin lips, and that little gesture hit him right in the stomach. Brought everything back.
Why was it so hard to get over someone?
Seth sighed softly, anxiously making a half-chuckling sound and rubbing at the back of his neck.
He wanted to do more then. He wanted to run over to him. Or fall to the hard ground and whimper and beg.
In the end, Seth could only nod, "Yes. Far. Far too long, I think. I. I rather feel as if I have been put into an oven and left overnight." He was unsure what else to do. So he leaned against one of the makeshift tables--which shifted under his weight, causing the man to stumble backwards.
Righting himself, the man rubbed at his nose, rubbing off a little bit of flaking skin, a sound almost like a sob or a laugh or a sigh (but unlike any of them) escaped his lips as he looked to the other man.
"How is. How is your foot?"
It would have been stupid to pretend he was just here to check up on the man. And he had no idea how to go about it.
"Getting better. There's something to be said for cramped quarters, but it keeps me off it most the time. And it ain't that bad in the riggings." Jochy stretched a bit, but didn't take his eyes of Seth.
"Shit sw..." He broke off, he shouldn't really be calling Seth sweets now, should he? "I mean... has anything happened?" Worry had traded places with resentment now, because this wasn't just awkward/angry Seth.
This was bloody well miserable Seth.
So he slid off the bench, hobbling the step or two over to Seth (it was not a large cabin at all), then reached out to touch the man's arm. "Are you alright?"
Seth sighed, hanging his head, silently hating how much he adored the touch. How much he'd missed it.
How much he wanted to scream or weep or rage against the man.
The man touched Jochy's shoulder and turned away, resting his fingertips on the other man's chest, "No. I am. I am... I am not alright." He swallowed a sigh and looked to the man for a long moment, a long, angry, miserable moment. Stepping away, flexing his hands some he looked away, looking down at the floor.
"I miss you, Jochy." The man half-scowled as he said it, looking away from the man, "Lords, I miss you and I hate myself so much for it..." He turned away from the man, folding his arms across his narrow chest, hands squeezing his biceps tightly.
"Lords..." Why was he so weak? So lonely? He should have just agreed to see what it might have been with Elaine, and he had been so...
He shivered a bit, scowling at the floor as he choked back a sob.
"Miss you too when I let myself think about it." Jochy's voice was tight and pained there, he usually dealt with these things by ignoring them. Getting distracted. But that was a bit harder to do when Seth was in the same room. "So bloody pissed at myself for messing this up. I... but it's like everything in my bloody life, tangled. Can't DO anything because there's too much past. Too much baggage. It just kept piling up, you know? And then I started blaming you, and suddenly a bit of revenge only seemed fair."
He chewed a bit on his lip, watching Seth's back.
"Don't hate yerself. Please. If yer didn't miss me it'd mean that all we had was a lie."
"You... you and I are both to blame. I suppose I. I have the distinction of simply being the one who... who ended it." In a big way. In a permanent way. "Lords know I. I failed you, Jochy." The man's narrow shoulders sagged deeply before he turned to the man, holding out his hands at the man as if they held an answer or the key to some secret plot, pushing them at the man inarticulately before taking a few deep breaths and just screaming for a moment and slumping to the ground.
"I... Lords, I am sorry I hurt you, Jochy," the man murmured, reaching up and grasping at his shoulders tightly, rocking back and forth and shaking, "I. I wish. I. I simply cannot... I cannot move past it."
Jochy swallowed and dropped to his knees, just hugging Seth tightly. He was not good at this, he sucked, he really sucked and what the hell was he supposed to say that wouldn't make things worse?
"I'm sorry too, I... fuck, I was scared, I blamed you, I..." He wasn't sniffling, really. Not at all.
"Don't go fucking blaming yourself. I still could have dealt with this without running away." Which was what sleeping around was.
Running away from the real world.
"I don't know how to deal with this, I just... I jut don't want you to hurt this badly." No, he didn't. resentment was one thing, but that bit faded pretty fast in the face of pain.
He hated how hard he clung to Jochy.
Hated how soothing those words were. How it all just came back. The warmth, the familiarity.
It was all too much. He hated how Jochy's presence actually did soothe his raw emotions even though he wanted little more than to shove the man off him and rail at him.
"No." The man shuddered in the other man's arms, closing his eyes, "I betrayed you, Jochy. I. I know I did. Melekain. Do not forget." He looked up at Jochy and pulled away slowly, looking to the man, "I am not blameless. I am." The man shoved himself onto his feet, looking down at the man, shivering.
"Lords, there is nothing left but hurt... There is just... that same emptiness that was left in the cabin when..." The mage's jaw tensed, "I have no ART, no... no one to be close to, no one who... Why can I not simply HATE you?"
"I haven't forgotten. Yer an arse. Yer a selfish arse. But so am I. I mean hell, I'm pissed at you but..." Jochy ran a hand up and down Seth's back, shifting slightly as the mage pulled away from him and rose. "I don't want you hurt. Not like this. I mean..." He chewed a bit on his lip, then added softly as he looked up at Seth "I shouldn't have left. I just... looking back I wonder if I did try to drive yer away. Make you leave instead of me. Make you pissed enough to go. Seems I finally managed. I just..."
Jochy sighed, closing his eyes.
"I've come to realize one thing. And it kills me to admit it."
Seth looked to the man for a moment, arms wrapped around his narrow torso as he looked to the man, biting his lip.
He squeezed his torso tightly and flexed his scarred hands slowly.
It was strange how foreign honesty felt.
"What... what is that, Jochy?"
"Yer don't get friends easily. Hell... that's probably an understatement. That... that you'd go... back to... Him, despite what he did... it... it ain't just the Art, is it?"
Jochy didn't dare to look at Seth, instead he remained on his knees, eyes to the floor.
Seth slumped against one of the benches, closing his eyes and rubbing at the bridge of his nose, "Lords, Jochy, if it were only that..." He swallowed anxiously, looking down at the floor.
"I." He looked down at the floor, "As. As you say, I. I am. I am not good at. At connecting. And." Was that guilt? A whole face full of it. Indeed, it was nearly palpable around him.
"We. We seem to be of a kind, I think." If he was excited for that fact, it did not show. Given the aura of self-loathing around the man, it was hard to tell if he was hiding anything or if he truly regretted the fact.
Either way, he knew he deserved whatever ire Jochy might direct at him.
And Elaine's. And Judith's. And Nialla's.
"I figured." Jochy didn't look at Seth, this was hard enough as it was already. He... he wanted to scream at the mage how much of an idiot he was, how he couldn't understand how...
But he couldn't overlook this. His father hadn't hurt Seth. It was one thing hearing about it, another thing entirely living through it. And Jochy knew that Seth could be an utterly callous bastard when the mood struck.
When it was important. For his Art. For research.
"I shouldn't have been such an arse to you about it. I..." This hurt to admit. "You... let me keep my friends... even when yer suspected I slept around with them. I... I can't ask yer to hate Him. You are not me."
He... he liked to think he had come some way. That he was learning to deal with the thought of his father.
That abject terror was not the only response.
"No." Seth murmured, shaking for a moment before he grasped the other man's shoulder, "I am... I am not. I am... I should not... How can you..." The man choked on his own self-recriminations, reaching out to the other man impotently.
"Jochy... I." The man sighed, "He has committed horrors. You... others... Lords." Seth hid his face in his hands, balling up his greasy hair in his hands and pulling at it, pulling out a few strands.
"How could I have failed so utterly?" The man closed his eyes and slumped to the ground, "I. I did make you happy sometimes, yes?" He looked to the ground, "For. For all of it, you were... Sometimes?"
"Because I can't bloody well ignore it forever, can I? And I tried, I really tried but I can't hate you for it." Jochy raised his voice slightly, watching Seth slump down. "I can hate Him, but I can't hate you. It's like... Judith has every right to hate me. I killed her crew. I killed her. I fucked up her daughter. And Elaine is with Judes, and she still is my friend and... it is so fucked up. I just want to make things better somehow? But I don't think I can. But at least I think Judes doesn't hold it against Elaine. She could. But... I.... I don't want to make you miserable. Not anymore."
He knew he had really lost track of what he was talking about there for a moment.
"I was happy. I was very happy. Wouldn't have said yes if I wasn't. Wouldn't have stuck around. Wouldn't have come back. I... I was happy. I thought it could work. I really did." The sigh was filled with frustration as he looked at the mage. "What the hell went wrong?"
What the Hell went wrong?
Seth sighed and looked to the man with a wide, sorrowful gaze and shrugged.
"We. We are both men driven by the things that. We are driven. We are not given to. To splitting our attention between things. Or putting less than our all into them. You. You love passionately. And as long as you can... can see or find the one you love. As long as you can get to them and be near them... You love them. Deeply. Fully."
Seth took a long moment, swallowing down a sob.
"And I." He looked down at his hands again, his face screwing up tight as he fought not to weep, "I am every inch a mage, I am afraid."
"Oh that's a load of bollocks." Jochy gave Seth a hard look, then continued "Love? Try lust. Obsession. Whatever. I want people, sure. Oh hell I want them. It's just still damn close to being unhealthy. I know it would be so easy to just go back a little big again. To when I really thought people belonged to me. They were mine." He reflexively bared his teeth in a quiet snarl.
Some parts stuck.
"About half my instincts suck, and the rest I ain't too sure of. I'm driven sure, but it ain't love." Maybe it was Seth's utter vulnerability that brought this out in him, this frightening honesty. "It's fear."
Because it was.
Everyone around him, all the teachers, all the men wiser than he had things to say about fear. Reminders of its uselessness. Of it's lack of use.
He ran his hand over his head, grimacing at the grease there, too long away from a good bath. "I." Seth looked to the man for a moment, reaching out weakly before pulling his hand back, sighing. He wanted to ask what. He feared he knew the answer.
And, still, "What. What is it you are afraid of, Jochy?"
A foolish question, perhaps. And it was one that begged asking.
"Everything." Jochy laughed, a bitter little sound. "Nah, that's a lie. Just... you knew how I never really planned for the future? That's 'cause I figured I had none. I can't..." He swore quietly, trying to find just the right words to get his point across.
"I can't imagine myself in the future being happy. I can't imagine what kind of life I want. I can't... there's no hope, you know? Not when I'm alone. Not by myself. There's nothing there. Things will get worse and I will end up losing everyone I know. They'll go away because I've fucked them over one too many times. And I don't know how to stop. I..."
He looked at Seth, fingers curling a bit on his thighs. "I'm afraid of myself. I'm afraid of being happy. I'm afraid of having dreams. 'cause if I do, I will fuck it up. Just like I did with everything else."
Seth sighed some, running a hand over his head again, "Lords, I hope you are not asking me for advice. I am. I am less qualified to give it than anyone you know."
And, carefully, the mage wrapped his arms around the man, squeezing him softly. He was unsure if that was the right thing to do but it certainly felt right. "I. I can. I can imagine it is. It will be easier than you think. You are. You are wise. In your way. And people care for you easily. They love you... they."
Seth kissed the back of the man's head, "They love you. Save for Miss Judith... Lords, it is hard not to adore you."
The mage sighed and kissed the man's cheek again, resting his hand on the man's back.
"You will not be alone. And. And. Oh, Jochy..." He clung tightly to the man, kissing the back of the man's head again, "Oh, Jochy, I wish I knew how to... how to help you."
"Yer a good liar Seth." Jochy chuckled softly, then pulled back to look the mage in the face. "Seriously. I try not to, but it's hard changing a lifetime of fucking things up."
"Do you hate me? For what I did to you?"
"I am angry at you, Jochy. I. I will be... I will continue to be angry for. For some time." Seth kissed the man's brow, "And I am. I am not. I do not know how to hate you, Jochy."
"I will not. I do not have the strength to be with you again. To be your... your..." The man shivered and squeezed the man tightly, "Jochy, I will always care for you."
"You might actually feel better if yer allowed yerself to show that you were angry sometimes, you know? I think I'd like that more. It'd make me feel like you actually cared. That was the one thing that just pissed me off so badly when we were together. No matter what I did, no reaction. Made me wonder if yer cared at all, or whether you just wanted some hot sex."
He shrugged a bit, leaning against Seth.
"Not that I minded that bit, just... yer so bloody much in control all the time. Can't get in. There's just walls there."
"I." Seth looked down at the man and sighed heavily, "Walls... And. You cannot get in. I. I feel as if I cannot get OUT." The pale mage stroked the other man's back, "And. And I thought I was doing the right thing, Jochy. I. I truly did. I wanted. I thought that if. That if I could let you have it that you would be happier."
Seth shivered softly, "I thought that you WERE happier." He rested his brow against the man's back, "You seemed to resent when I was angered at you about Neely. I. I thought that if I could only swallow all that down that. That you could have what you wanted. And would. Would come back to me."
The young man was quiet for a moment, "Oh, Jochy, I at times fear that I do not know how to. How to take them down."
"I did resent it. But I liked it too. I... it's flattering you know? Having someone want you for their own. Being jealous. I... fuck, we've made such a mess of this. And I didn't get it at the time. I really didn't. Not until..."
Not until they had broken up and he had time to think.
"And you have taken them down. At times. You don't wear your gloves anymore. Yer ain't the same man you used o be any more than I am." In a way he wished that they had met now.
With less baggage.
"Why do you think I got off on trying to make things up to you?" g-mes. Consequences.
It made him feel wanted. loved.
The mage chuckled softly, closing his eyes as he leaned against Jochy, carefully reaching out to stroke the other man's hair, burying his nose in it for a moment.
Too long alone.
Seth's lips quirked into a smile for a moment, "I suppose I am... I suppose I am different." He squeezed Jochy carefully then. "Not so much as I should like to be. And I have grown. That is heartening."
And at that last? The man could only smile some, "I. I assumed you did it because it felt so VERY nice to do so. I. I enjoyed the recompenses."
"Well, yeah.... that bit too." Jochy smirked a bit where he rested his head on Seth's shoulder. It was contact really, nothing else. He could ignore the fact that he had got hard. Really. Even when Seth kept smelling his hair... which was a bit longer than it used to be, and gravity was dealing with the worst of the ruffle.
"Seriously, this is the really shitty thing. You come here, being all hurt, and I immediately wants to forgive you every single bloody thing, say I'm sorry and just fuck you senseless. It... it's just like always. We never really did manage to talk, did we? Not beyond regretting."
"I suppose it was simply that we were afraid that the things we had to say might have... might have done this." The mage chuckled under his breath, stroking Jochy's back. Seth wanted nothing more than to do as Jochy suggested. What he came here for. To be close and have sex and simply... and not feel so empty any more.
He really wanted to beg the man to just forget all the silence and take advantage of him.
To strip off these horrid clothes and be done with it.
"I. I cannot. I cannot pretend that I will. That I will be yours again, Jochy." Seth pulled back to look at the man, biting his lip. "I have not the strength. And. And..." He touched the other man's face, his chin shaking a bit, "Oh, Lords, Jochy," the man breathed before placing his lips on Jochy's brow, "I am so very sorry."
"Yeah, we were idiots. Both of us." Jochy grimaced a bit as Seth pulled back, did the mage have any idea how adorable he was when he bit his lip?
Most likely not.
And the touches to his face, they broke his heart, every single one of them.
"What do you want me to do then? Go away so you never have to see me again?" The words were strangled, forced.
"I don't want to hurt you. Not again. I've done that enough."
"I suppose we are at that." Seth let out a long, shuddering sigh, closing his eyes and leaning his brow against Jochy's. There was an urge there to just kiss the man. To grasp him by the shoulders and pull him close or push him down onto the floor and...
The man sighed softly, "I. Jochy, it would perhaps be easier to never see one another again. And I wish to see you again. Fool that I am, I still. I still care for you." Sighing, the mage slid his fingertips through Jochy's hair, "I simply. I do not wish to be with you again. No. No more hurt between us."
"And I have hurt you enough as well, Jochy. More. More than enough."
Jochy closed his eyes for a moment, resting his forehead against Seth's as well. How long had they been together? Years... and still they hadn't managed to get it right. Some things, yeah but not...
"I care about you too. That was never the issue." Those fingers in his hair... there was just about nothing he wanted more than to just let this go on. Just... oh fuck, he was hard enough to hurt right now, even with the angst. But it wouldn't make things better, would it?
"I just wish there was some way to... heal this, you know?" But hell..." He sighed and looked Seth in the eye before kissing his protruding nose. "The problem is that I ain't sure what. I would suggest to actually bring up all the shit that got us here in the first place and deal with it. But that usually leads to you being depressed as hell since yer take everything to be your own fault. Sometimes... sometimes I wish you would just blame me a bit more, or at least tell me what the hell I did that hurt you. I..." He frowned, chewing his lip. "I don't get the consequences sometimes, I really don't. I need to see them. I don't want to be this arse anymore."
"Jochy..." Seth sighed, kissing the man's cheek, sighing and closing his eyes, "Jochy, I do not. I do not know what... what is my fault." Pulling back, the mage looked Jochy in the face, his brow furrowing deeply, "I truly. I do not know what I should feel bad for or what I should..." His hands went up and then slumped down.
"I do not know when it is... when it is my lack of knowledge that causes a problem or when it is that... that you are wrong." Seth sighed softly, "I. I never know if. If you are gone because I am not... because I did not suffice or if it is because you want... want something else."
Seth sighed softly, looking down at his hands, "Jochy, I am not... I do not know the things you know. I do not understand the things you understand. I. I had no choice but to trust you to tell me if I was right or not."
And to do what was right or not.
But that was moot.
"Oh sweets, yer fucked then." Jochy reached out to take Seth's hands, stroking his thumbs over the scars. "I'm a selfish bastard, and I don't get it either. I don't know what I want, and even less how to keep what I have. it all seems so simple when everybody else does it, but I can't even keep a bloody conversation without fucking that up. And I know... fuck Seth..." He pulled the mage's hands to his lips and kissed them.
"Meeting me was probably the worst bloody thing you could have done. I told you then. Don't bloody trust me. I... I ain't good at teaching these things. Especially when I don't get them myself."
A breath escaped the mage's thin lips as they twisted into a vague smile, "I. Lords... pain aside, I'm not sorry I know you, Jochy. I do not regret it." He turned his hand slightly in Jochy's grip and pressed it against the other man's face, the heel of his palm just in front of the man's lips.
"And. And I think that it will profit us both to. To take some time to learn these things, yes? How to. How to put people where they should be in our lives."
How to love another and still be a mage. How to balance his life better.
"We will learn. In time. And perhaps next time it will not hurt so badly."
"We've got time. Hell, ain't that a weird thought? That there actually is a future for me? Honestly I figured I'd have self destructed before now. Really." He couldn't stop himself from kissing that scarred heel of Seth's hand, thinking of how many times he had licked them.
"Maybe we were good for each other in a way. Even despite the pain. Yer not as hung up on yer hands... and I know that I can actually hurt people. And I'm not liking it."
Well, not in that way anyway, he still... oh fuck, why did his brain keep torturing ho with this?
"There is, Jochy. And we. I will be happy to help you find it. Truly." He smiled then, sighing under his breath with every touch of that agile tongue--and with every thought of its agility. "We. We were good for one another. Lords know I. I do not deny this. I. I would have preferred not to have been so harmed. Or to have understood better. And. And I learned much."
"And. And there is much to learn still. You can harm. As can I. And we still try to. To make things better." Seth shrugged some then, "Perhaps wisdom or some redemption lies that way."
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