Joined: Wed Oct 15, 2008 3:52 pm
Elaine, Seth, Jochy, October 24 2007
Posted by: Seth deCiel Oct 23 2007, 03:33 AM
It was rapidly becoming apparent to Seth that he had stumbled into this during a very... eventful time. Cannibal captains, frightened pregnant women and Jochy and that girl carrying on some manner of affair.
He rather wondered if Jochy would praise or jeer his self-control in not aiming his feelings on the matter toward the girl. After all, she had been Jochy in a way. The two had an understanding deeper than sex.
or was that just covering for the man? Hard to say.
He tipped his hat down on his head, scowling up at it now and again.
He was happy he had bound up his perceptions. It allowed him to not feel those alien emotions that had infected his most precious clothing, the vague sense of dislocation when he dragged his senses over them.
And, despite the growing assertion that they were not his despite their familiarity and Seth's familiarity with all their scuffs and scars...
No. Put it from your mind.
He had no illusions of making up a plan to save everyone. Even Judith had not that at the moment and the man had to admit that Judith was far cleverer than he.
The mage reached out to twist his Eyes enough to read a large black leather-bound book, scanning it in the near-unbearable sun for something that would help out, some twist of Art he could do without trying to impose a different order on a place that seemed to thrive on lawlessness.
A few notes lay crumbled up around him as he continued to read, rejected theorums and impossible figures that never seemed to take on a drawn shape. Seth wiped at his lower lip, igoring the occassional dribble of blood as best he could.
Posted by: Elaine Romain Oct 24 2007, 03:49 PM
The girl crept in, peering meekly around the edge of the doorframe, and she watched the mage for a long time before giving a soft little throat-clear. "Um. Are you busy?"
Posted by: Seth deCiel Oct 24 2007, 03:51 PM
Seth looked up, blinking a bit before a smile crossed his thin lips, "No. No, not at all." he blinked a few times, wiping at his nose absently and sliding his book back into his pack, "I... Was only whiling time away. How."
He wiped at his brow absently, "How are you, Miss Elaine? What... how can I help you?"
Posted by: Elaine Romain Oct 24 2007, 03:57 PM
"I told Jochy we'd talk to him," Elaine answered, coming the rest of the way into the room. "I told you we'd talk to him. I was wondering if you wanted to do that now. Or if we should try it later? I can come back if you're busy."
Posted by: Seth deCiel Oct 24 2007, 04:01 PM
He smiled slightly, though there was no small bit of an eager glimmer in those wide eyes of his, "I am... I am by no means too busy to see him."
Because, even if she was... even if they had...
It would still be so very nice to see him.
"Is... is there anything I should do?"
Posted by: Elaine Romain Oct 24 2007, 04:07 PM
Elaine pulled the mirror back out. "I'm not sure how this works with two people?" she replied, holding it out to him. "You're supposed to concentrate on the person you want to see, and then cry on it."
She reached into her other pocket, pulling out an onion. "I can't make myself cry, so I usually just hold this under my nose for a while," she explained, doing so until her tears spilled on the glass. "Like that."
Still watching the picture as it swam into view, she held the onion out to him as well. "I don't really know it it'll work, but we can at least give it a try."
Then she realized that Jochy might hear what she was saying to Seth, and she bit her lip. "Jochy? I've got Seth."
Posted by: Seth deCiel Oct 24 2007, 04:11 PM
"Cry on it..." One had to wonder what applications the mirror had been intended for if tears were its catalyst.
He leaned over the onion some--though he felt tired and sad enough that, with enough thinking he was quite sure he would not need it--and let the fumes do their work.
And he smiled a bit, wiping at his eyes as he watched the mirror, rather hoping that this worked as well with two people as it was purported with one.
Posted by: Jochy Melechen Oct 24 2007, 04:13 PM
Jochy had been spending the time after his talk with Elaine, trying to find some of his clothes that weren't torn or stained with blood. Between the collapsing inn and the pirates, that was a bit of a stretch, and he found himself pondering borrowing some needle and thread from Spider.
Because he was fairly certain he could swe now. And that disturbed him like hell.
At Elaine's voice he almost jumped, it was always freaky to be taken off guard like that. He had not felt anyone approach. He dropped the bloodied shirt, turning to face the spot where he imagined they were. "Hi there... and damn, this ain't gonna be less awkward without seeing either of you, you know that, right? I'd be there but... slight case of cannibal pirates." He was banged up a bit, though not that badly.
Posted by: Seth deCiel Oct 24 2007, 04:16 PM
Seth smiled to himself, surprised for a moment that there was not a mate to the mirror...
He let his eyes slide over its frame, over the shape, making a note to ask after it later before focussing on the man in the mirror, smiling softly for a time.
"I am sure you will be... I am sure you can be excused your absence, Jochy." He spoke softly to the mirror, biting his lip absently, "Are... are you well?"
Posted by: Elaine Romain Oct 24 2007, 04:18 PM
Elaine nudged Seth, smiling. "You can hear him all right?" she asked quietly.
"I know," she told the mirror apologetically. "We both know. But it's the best we can do for now. We'll figure something else out soon, right?" she asked hopefully, looking to the mirror and then to Seth. "But this is better than nothing."
Then she bit down on her own lip. "Um. Should I leave the two of you alone? Now that it's working and all?"
Posted by: Seth deCiel Oct 24 2007, 04:21 PM
Seth nodded a bit at Elaine, smiling some, "I... I can." He bowed his head some, "My... uhm... my thanks."
And to the last he only looked between Elaine and the mirror, shrugging, "I... I have no quarrel if you wish to stay, Miss Elaine."
She could keep him grounded enough not to begin opening up to or demanding things from Jochy while they were still so far away.
Posted by: Jochy Melechen Oct 24 2007, 04:24 PM
"I can hear you both, and damn if I don't feel a bit watched. Yer can be making faces at me and I'd never know." Jochy grimaced, doing his best to keep this lighthearted, sitting down on the chest where his stuff had been stacked.
"Sure El, just go if yer fancy, only this sort of involves you as well, doesn't it? It might be better to do it face to face, but this is what we got now, ennit? Might as well get it over with. I've spent far too long agonizing as it is."
His face softened somewhat. "Are you alright? The both of you I mean. How's the wound El and... Seth... hell, I've missed you. Except that sounds bloody selfish to say right now."
He cursed softly, under his breath as he ran a hand through his hair. "I don't know how to do this. I can't just sit here and chat about the weather."
Posted by: Elaine Romain Oct 24 2007, 04:28 PM
"I don't exactly know what this is," Elaine said quietly. "Except that we've got to do it." She gave Seth a worried look. "I'm better. Still hurts, but I don't feel like I'm going to pass out anymore. Is Si all right? I-- I'll stay if you both want me here. And we won't make faces, promise," she added softly, fondly, before shooting Seth a sidelong look. "Except this once."
And she stuck her tongue out at the mirror.
Posted by: Seth deCiel Oct 24 2007, 04:32 PM
Seth covered his lips, the strangeness of it bringing a smile to his lips before he stuck his tongue out at the mirror as well.
What an ODD thing to do.
And somehow, the girl's oddness disarmed him some, "I... I missed you as well, Jochy." His voice was a small thing there, somehow a plea besides a statement. He had missed him. And a part of him wanted to scream into that mirror that it bloody well meant something.
"I. I do not know how to discuss it." He paused then, licking his lips, "I am..." His lips contorted for a time before he spoke, "I am happy you... you were not alone on this voyage. And. And that Miss Elaine is... is so very... has been kind enough to tell me what has occurred."
He looked to her then; and the gratitude in his eyes--he hoped--said what he could not quite bring himself to say out loud.
Thanking someone who slept with your spouse... It was no easy thing.
Posted by: Jochy Melechen Oct 24 2007, 04:37 PM
"Neither of us planned this you know." Jochy sighed, he could picture them both being so utterly ill at ease. It made him want to hug them. Perhaps it was better that he didn't see them after all.
"I didn't plan to stay away this long Seth, I was just supposed to help El's father get his ship back from judes. The man had been honest with me after all, I figured I owed him. And it let me square things with Nialla. And then... it's just been one thing after the other, there's this steaming pile of plots that's been dragging us this way and that. Something's playing us, or rather some people. I feel like a bloody marionette at times, just that i can't see the strings."
Jochy grimaced, watching his hands. "OH stop being so polite the both of you. This ain't gonna work if neither of you say what you really mean. I'm the one that fucked things up here, not you. Either of you. I could have said no Elaine, but I didn't. This is on me."
Posted by: Elaine Romain Oct 24 2007, 04:45 PM
Elaine nodded back at Seth, an uneasy look on her face. Instead of saying anything that Jochy could hear, she twisted her finger into the man's sleeve, giving it a little tug.
"I didn't say anything yet!" Elaine objected, her cheeks going red. "I'm not talking around anything; I haven't even had a chance to talk around anything. And you just upping and taking the blame for everything is just as bad as Seth making out like it's all right! Both of you," she snapped, shooting Seth a pointed look. "Stop saying what you think the other one wants to hear and just go at already. And stop being a hypocrite, Jochy. Or a liar."
Posted by: Seth deCiel Oct 24 2007, 04:52 PM
Seth inclined his head some, curious, as the woman tugged at his sleeve, shrugging slowly to indicate his lack of comprehension before sighing and looking to the mirror.
"I believe that you did not," he looked to the mirror and to Elaine, "And I... I understand how it can get, Jochy. I... I rather imagine it has been longer here than for me."
But Jochy had friends, a lover and things to do that weren't waiting for someone to walk in the door to make everything normal again. That wasn't trying to make sure everything was as perfect for their return tomorrow as it was for their hoped-for return today.
"It is... on all of us, Jochy." He spoke slowly then, carefully as if afraid to be misunderstood, "Miss Elaine, as I understand it, knew as much as you did. And I failed to find you sooner." He sighed softly, licking his lips, "I... I suppose I am not so surprised as I might be." Honesty? Certainly. Though it still broke his heart.
The mage slumped forward some, looking between the girl and the mirror, "What should I say?" he looked away from them both then, biting his lip for a long time, "I am..." he finally muttered, "I am upset. Hurt. I wish very strongly that I had some person interested in sharing my bed so that I might repay you this humiliation."
But, of course, everyone would know it was revenge. And they would laugh all the harder.
Posted by: Jochy Melechen Oct 24 2007, 04:57 PM
"I ain't a liar." Jochy frowned, wondering if he was. Not really, he just... had a hard time telling the truth.
"And... hell, where should I begin?" He ran both hands through his hair, looking down. "I... hell, I want you to be pissed at me for once Seth. Every bloody time something like this happens you just clam up and go away looking as if it was your fault. Hell, it makes me wonder if you even care? I mean you remember with Joy, don't you? or with Neely? Damnit, yer were out trying to befried the man! it's... I don't know, it's like you... like it doesn't matter that much. I mean I grow pissed as hell when you do something that I doesn't fancy!"
Posted by: Elaine Romain Oct 24 2007, 05:06 PM
"Oh, please," Elaine snapped at Jochy. "You just did. You just lied. And I am not telling Seth any more. I shouldn't have to."
She gritted her teeth, then looked to Seth. "He's right," she said. "You should be pissed with him. He's a baseless bastard."
Posted by: Seth deCiel Oct 24 2007, 05:09 PM
Seth's gaze dropped then and for a time he just chewed on a sudden, nauseous, stabbing feeling in his stomach, "I only wanted..." he wrung his hands then, shaking his head.
"With Neely I wanted... I wanted to be his friend so that I might find... what... whatever it was that I lacked that made you want him instead." He half-extended his hands then before pulling them back, burying his fists in his sides, "You... You desired him so, cared for him and... and I n... I knew I could... I cannot BE whatever it is he has. I do not possess it and no matter how I watched him or how... how CLOSELY I watched him, it eluded me," he shook his head, slumping, "And he made you... you seemed so happy. When you talked about him. And you enjoyed him so. I thought I was..."
He shook his head slowly, "I thought I was being a good husband. I thought if... if I was silent about Neely, you would have a friend and... and you would think I was... I was kind and you would not run..."
He swallowed a bit, hanging his head some, "A-and I... I have seen your dreams. Your memories. Of her. Of Joy. Visions of contentment, standing beside her. And."
He was silent before taking a deep breath and looking straight at the mirror, at the face of the man who did not see him, "I only wanted you to be happy," on that last word, his voice cracked some and he pulled back from the mirror, sighing.
"I did not want you to leave me for... for someone else. I thought that if I was... if I at least tried to understand that you would forgive when I was angry at you for it."
Posted by: Jochy Melechen Oct 24 2007, 05:21 PM
"I never -wanted- you to be what Neely was! Hell, the man was a miserable bastard and half the reason I wanted him was because I knew I never could have him!" Jochy sighed in frustration, now rather glad that he couldn't see their faces, but rather disturbed that they could see his.
"And just maybe I wanted you to act like you wanted me damnit. What the hell am I supposed to think? You go around with that look on your face like you expect everybody else to be so much better for me than you. Damnit Seth, I married you didn't I? Can't you get it into your goddamn head that maybe -you- are the one that has something I fancy when yer doesn't piss me off like mad? And if I'm not supposed to lie, you're not supposed to do it either."
He gave the empty air an angry stare. "Yer didn't do this for my happiness Seth, yer did it because yer chickenshit. If yer cared about me being happy you'd not be friends with Him. And if yer wanted to understand, maybe you should ask, huh?"
Jochy fell silent, sighing.
Silently he prayed that Elaine wouldn't bring the matter back to Nialla again.
Posted by: Elaine Romain Oct 24 2007, 05:24 PM
Elaine just listened. She didn't have anything to add. She knew Jochy's side almost as if it were her own, but..."You're both idiots," she muttered, grimacing. It wasn't her fight.
Posted by: Seth deCiel Oct 24 2007, 05:30 PM
"Of -course- I was afraid, Jochy... You kept proving that I -should- be. How... how can I 'get it into my head' when..." And the comment about Melekain, shut him up.
"I want to be a good mage, Jochy." his voice was soft then, less a defense as an admission, "I did not ask for his instruction and... and once I had taken those pieces of winsdom he would leave behind..."
He shook his head.
"He came once. While you were away. I did not let him stay." He could say nothing more before looking to Elaine and smiling some, absently wiping at his eyes.
They were idiots.
Perhaps it was time to stop being.
Posted by: Jochy Melechen Oct 24 2007, 05:36 PM
"Of course we're all idiots. We wouldn't be here otherwise! And yer not immune either El, you -knew- about Seth before we slept together. It ain't like I fooled you or anything." He got the feeling that she was wanting to extract herself from this whole mess, and no way he'd let that happen. This wasn't just between him and seth anymore, they were all in the mess together. Well, some bits were him and seth but...
"You want to be a good mage, and have a hard time passing that up when the opportunity comes along. I want to be loved and have a hell of a hard time saying no to people I fancy. So, we're both fucked up. I..." he supressed the urge to just continue to rant and brought himself to a halt.
"Seriously. I love you both. Sure, I've known Seth a hell of a lot longer than I've done Elaine, and I ain't comparing, but... we wouldn't be here if this didn't matter. And Seth? Stop crying. Yer sniffling again, aren't you?"
Posted by: Elaine Romain Oct 24 2007, 05:41 PM
"He's sniffling," Elaine agreed.
"I know this sounds really, unbearably stupid," she said, rather loudly, "but Seth. Jochy wants you to fight for him. And you don't. You don't fight for him when it comes to Him, and you don't fight for him when it comes to you versus somebody else. So fight for him. Jesus. Why am I telling you this? You don't need him to be a good mage. He'll trap you. He's so fixated on the wrong things, on thinking there's only one right way, and that his way is better than everyone else's. Even if it didn't fuck Jochy up when you talked to him, you wouldn't need somebody like that. Ever."
She bit her lip, and looked back to the mirror. "And don't you dare turn this around on me, Jochy," she said in a quiet, cold voice. "You can't blame whoever you want based on what the convenient answer is. You want to talk to Seth about your problems, that's fine, but don't you dare act like I have to be a part of this and then go on about convenience and what you fancy," she snarled through her teeth. "Not in front of me. I can-- I can take my part of this," she said firmly. "But that's not it and you know it. Stop worming your way out of things."
Posted by: Seth deCiel Oct 24 2007, 05:50 PM
Seth did not argue on Melekain's prowess. He had seen it and even the notes in the margins of his book had helped Seth's Art to new levels of ability. And.
"Then what do I -do-?" He looked between the two of them then, "With Melekain, my course is clear, but when the next dalliace occurs, what then, Jochy?" He stared at the mirror for a moment then looked to the girl, "I am to accept and understand that he WILL go and bed someone else, that he WILL humiliate me and leave me a joke so that all can see how inadequate I am... and I am still to be angry about it?"
He looked between them again, searching their faces for something, "I AM angered. Every time I think back on the way he -looked- at Neely, I feel as if I will vomit all my heat and never be warm again... I see the way the two of y--"
He choked himself quiet then, licking his lips, "And it would not be so bad to be fought -for- now and again, either."
Posted by: Jochy Melechen Oct 24 2007, 05:58 PM
"Where the hell did you get in your head that you was ever inadequate?" Jochy was growing increasingly exasperated, but there was no escape. "I didn't say that you should accept or understand that I fuck around! I never asked that. You just keep acting like it's bound to happen 'cause yer a shitty person or something. That's not it... well--- no, it really isn't." He squirmed a bit where he sat on the chest.
"Aw come on... I've crawled for you, I've begged to be bloody let back, I even manhandled Judes so she'd marry us. I can't help it if yer not going out to flirt with people, if you did I'd bloody well kick their arse! I -would- do that to Him too, but I -can't-. You know that. What am I supposed to do? Accept it? I have, or rather I thought I had but... I found out I'm still pissed about it. Sorry."
He did look sorry there, but that had never been a problem with Jochy. Usually he knew when he had fucked up and it showed. "I wasn't blaiming you El, I just... hell... you keep saying that this is mine and seth's problem, and yeah, it is. But where the hell will you fit in then? I don't... I know I'm an idiot but I... I want to try to find some bloody solution here and if people gets pissed off maybe that's good. Maybe we all need to say a few things we've kept silent."
Posted by: Elaine Romain Oct 24 2007, 06:01 PM
Elaine crossed her arms over her chest, and winced. "Fuck you, Jochy," she said quietly. "If you two want to solve this, there isn't a place for me, and you know it."
Posted by: Seth deCiel Oct 24 2007, 06:06 PM
"Because I have ALWAYS been inadequate..." he shoved his scarred hands at the mirror, at the man's unseeing face, as if the action could be felt, as if those layers and layers of long-gone wounds meant anything.
He took a shuddering breath, "And then you... and you left me, Jochy." His voice was small then, anger slumping out of his words, "I volunteered to stay with the children because I thought it would be... I thought I might prove something to you. And you... It is stupid, and you did not come -back-."
He wiped at his eyes again, "You did not come back and you have found this beautiful girl and... and how else should I feel about being left in that house with no hope of you returning?"
He looked to Elaine for a moment before bowing his head, "i... Miss Elaine, I am sorry."
She did not deserve to be in the middle of all this. It was painful enough for just the two of them.
Posted by: Jochy Melechen Oct 24 2007, 06:13 PM
"I left to prove I -trusted- you with them Seth! Hell and damnation, you were walking on eggshells looking like a whipped dog. I didn't expect you to dump them off on Morgan of all people! The man's... gah, couldn't you have found -anyone- better? I..." Jochy broke off before he started ranting, because that bit REALLY pissed him off. "I couldn't come back. The gate at Cnoch na Niall was not an option. I had no bloody way back! I've been looking for a damn gate forever! It's just recently I had the option at all to go back..." Not the whole truth but close enough.
"And I had people here I actually felt responsible for. People in trouble." That was new, Jochy rarely bothered with that. "And I'm so bloody sorry. Just so.. sorry."
Damnit, he would -not- tear up. He didn't do that.
"I'm sorry Elaine, I didn't... I didn't... fuck, it sounds shitty but I didn't want to hurt you. Either of you. I just..."
He had wanted them. Both.
Posted by: Seth deCiel Oct 24 2007, 06:18 PM
"They are his children, Jochy." It was the same argument he had with Elaine. And he rather imagined it would have the same non-outcome.
The pale man nodded slowly, "And I am... foolish."
He looked between the two of them, the girl and the face in the mirror, "ANd what will we do now?" He looked to Elaine then, "Unfortunately, I daresay you are a part of this now, for good or ill. What."
He looked to the mirror, "Jochy, I desire you. And will gladly fight for you. And I think I deserve to know what I am fighting for. What... what do you desire us to do?"
Posted by: Elaine Romain Oct 24 2007, 06:21 PM
"Then for God's sake, stop lying," Elaine cried, and now she burst into tears. "You were at Cnoch Na Niall. Nialla told you to go back to Seth. You don't listen to anybody who cares about you; you just do what you want and never mind who you fuck over in the process because at least once you do it you can feel badly and fucked up about it and we all know you get off on turmoil. Seth, you're not inadequate. People telling you you're inadequate because they're punishing you into making you better isn't the same as being inadequate. And you don't know me, and I'm not beautiful and I wish people would stop saying that! And stop apologizing! Everyone! Saying you're sorry till you're blue in the face doesn't help anything!"
Posted by: Seth deCiel Oct 24 2007, 06:35 PM
Seth did not bother to argue that she was beautiful. She was dark of skin and had a nose so much smaller than his own.
Of course, his views of beauty could be considered skewed.
And he shrugged a bit, pulling his hands back, the girl's anger. Perhaps she was right. And perhaps he was as stupid as his continual failures implied he was.
Surely a better man would not have needed her to point those things out to him.
He supressed the urge to rise to Jochy's defense then, looking to the man for a moment before, carefully, reaching a hand out to touch the Elaine's shoulder, biting his lip, "Jochy, please. What is so upsetting about Cnoch Na Niall?"
Jochy likely had things to do. Responsibilities to get back to.
And why was the girl so angered?
Seth knew why he was.
Because Jochy was a good friend of Nialla and, even if she was angered with him, would not refuse him easy travel home. Or, at the very least, given Jochy a reception like the one Seth got and then at least they could bond over Nialla's inexplicable desire to see those coming through the gate shot full of arrows.
Posted by: Jochy Melechen Oct 24 2007, 06:41 PM
Jochy fell silent there, rather chastized by Elaine's outburst.
It took him a moment to think of anything to say.
"I... didn't use to feel bad about it." That was a troubling admission, but it was the truth. Back when he had met Seth he had been gleefully selfish, he hadn't really broken it off with Christien and Neely because he felt guilty about it. No, he had actally felt that Seth was someone he could invest in.
"Okay. I ain't gonna start crying too." But he wanted to. He really did. "First, Elaine, you are beautiful and yer as stupid as Seth thinking he's inadequate. Because yer not Seth, never."
He took a deep breath, trying to get back to some of the calm that he had felt after talking things through with the others. He could do this, he wanted to do this.
"I admit it. I am a lying bastard. I don't listen to people, and even when I do, I turn around and do something else the moment I fancy doing it. And I do get off on turmoil. I... damnit. Okay, I'll be honest here. It can't bloody well make things worse. You two had better do the same afterwards."
He took a deep breath. "I love you Seth. I do. That was never the question. I resent the hell out of you though, for dealing with Him, for never caring enough to be pissed at me when i slept around, for... yeah, for not stopping me when i do stupid shit. Maybe I -want- that you know? Maybe I want you to say no for once. And I am bloody scared because of the kids, but not as much as I was. And part of me really detests that yer such a better mage than me, and that HE actually seems to think yer worth teaching! And I'm still kinda freaked about marriage."
He swallowed quickly continuing. "Elaine, I'm in love with you. Hell know if it's because of who you are, or because of the mind switch. I think it is because of you because I fancied you before that as well. But I know I can't never be what yer fancy. You've got a life with Judes now, and there ain't no way in hell i can fit into that even if i fancied."
Another wince as he continued. "There's about a ton of reasons I'm in love with yer both, but if I list them I sould like I'm sweet talking you and that ain't what I'm after."
He wanted to not say this but now he had no choice. "And the thing about Cnoch na Niall is that Nialla and I kissed. Nothing more. She thinks she might fancy me, and I... well, I... probably do the same. And that is even more doomed than either of you."
Now, brace for impact.
Posted by: Seth deCiel Oct 24 2007, 06:50 PM
He wanted to say something back to the first parts. To apologize for speaking with Melekain. To let him know that he would stop. To say that he would fight and do his best to deny him and try to understand why you would do something just so someone else would tell you not to and he would be so happy to work with Jochy if Jochy wanted to be a better mage. He wanted to say that if they both worked on something together, he would be ecstatic.
He wanted to say all of that.
But all that came out was, "oh."
And after a moment's quiet, "You. You love them?"
Posted by: Elaine Romain Oct 24 2007, 06:55 PM
"She bled in your mouth," Elaine answered hotly. "And she had to tell you to leave before anything else happened, because she got it. And I was too messed up with your head to see it that way, and I thought she was messing with you. And maybe you didn't say you loved her, but you damn well told her as much, even if it wasn't in words."
She elbowed Seth, rather sharply. "He has no fucking idea how to love anybody, or we wouldn't be in this mess," she snapped. "You could be what Seth wanted. You could be what I wanted. You could. That's the same fucking line you fed Nialla. Because you can't be what everyone wants, and you've got to pick and choose, and you're not willing to pick and choose and be properly anything one person wants you to be. That's what it comes down to. You either make one person happen or you make us all miserable."
Posted by: Jochy Melechen Oct 24 2007, 06:59 PM
"But I -want- to be what everyone wants! I -know- I cant... but I want to." Jochy looked as bad as he felt, but at least it was out. All of it. "What am I supposed to do? I don't want to make -any- of you miserable."
It was heartfelt. utterly so.
And stupid. he knew that.
"Yeah. I do. Love you all." His shoulders had slumped by now, he was doomed and he knew it.
"And that part I ain't lying about."
Posted by: Seth deCiel Oct 24 2007, 07:07 PM
Seth stared down at the floor for a time before looking to the mirror, "I am too selfish for this, Jochy." The man sighed, shaking his head, "Lovers. I understand that. Desire is potent and. And hard to resist. And."
He frowned deeply then, "It is better for..." he frowned then, "I can fight for your desire. I will not share your heart."
It was amazing how that revelation changed things. To be a husband plagued by cuckolding... he could bear that. He imagined he bore things a great many would not, listening to Elaine.
The mage stared down at his hand, scarred fingers clasping the ring there, "Jochy, I will... I will not fight them if you cannot at least pretend you want me."
Falling in love with them...
That was the single thing he had that the others did not.
Posted by: Elaine Romain Oct 24 2007, 07:14 PM
Elaine gritted her teeth, then put a hand to Seth's back. "Seth's right, Jochy," she said, straining to keep her voice even. "He's the one you married. That's the point of being married. You can't be what everyone wants. You try to do that, you end up being what nobody wants, and that's what got you here. And you marry somebody, you promise to stand by them first."
Posted by: Jochy Melechen Oct 24 2007, 07:22 PM
Jochy was silent.
Really, there was not much more to say, was there? He was an arse, he used people and... no, damnit, he would NOT go back into that hole of self pity where he imagined the world was better off without him.
Thoughtfully he scratched his scarred wrist, eyes distant. So. there was a line. And he had apparently crossed it.
"What now then?" His voice was bleak with control. "I..." He sighed, searching his emotions. All things weren't equal, were they? Regardless of whether it was because he'd been in love with Seth the longest or because of the marriage or because of other reasons the thought of losing the mage filled him with a panic he could not quite ignore. The thought of staying away from Nialla hurt. The thought of hurting El was damn agony. But losing Seth?
It... was it even an option?
"I don't want to lose you Seth. Regardless. I don't... I can't..." The admission was made in a tiny and defeated voice.
When was the last time he had been this devastated?
After what he nearly had done to Joy?
Posted by: Seth deCiel Oct 24 2007, 07:29 PM
Seth was angered at the fact that Jochy could not see him.
He wanted the other man to see his face. To know how much Seth was hurting.
And he could not.
He stood slowly, gathering a couple scraps of dignity around himself, "Jochy."
His voice was soft then, ragged with hurt, "Until we meet again, I want you to find whatever it is you truly desire. Sleep with whoever you desire. Love whoever you desire."
He mostly wished Jochy could see him as he slid the red ring from his finger and place it gently into his pocket.
"I will be your friend as best I can be until then. I." He was quiet then, "I will come and use Melekain's mirror when Elaine has no use for it. We will. We will speak then. Only do not ask me to be your husband."
Seth took a deep, shuddering breath then, closing his eyes tightly, "Be who... whoever it is you wish to be and then we will see if that person is... if that person desires... if you have any love--" here his voice cracked some "--for me at all."
Posted by: Elaine Romain Oct 24 2007, 07:36 PM
Now Elaine's face was red with rage. Not for Jochy- for Seth. "Oh fuck you!" she shouted, getting to her feet. "No! Did you listen to anything anybody said?! Knowing that idiot, you tell him something like that, he's going to go sleep with the first warm body he comes across just to get back at you! You don't let him do that! Jochy, if you listen to a damn word he just said, I'm never speaking to you again," she hissed at the mirror. "And you don't. You don't get to walk all over him even if he tells you to. Because I'm sure as hell not sleeping with you, and you don't dare insult us both like that."
"Seth," she said shortly. "You don't get to decide when you use my mirror. I'm leaving. I want it back the minute you're done with it. Both of you, grow some goddamn balls."
And she stomped out. Loudly.
Posted by: Jochy Melechen Oct 24 2007, 07:45 PM
He... he hadn't actually even been considering that.
Jochy was shocked, he felt like he had got a blow to the gut that he really didn't know how to deal with.
The mirror was... His? He had given it to Elaine? But they had... He had threatened her... not...
WHAT THE HELL WAS GOING ON HERE?
But as painful a shock as that was, the thing that froze him to the core was still the fact that Seth... walked out on him? Really? He knew that there was no way that the mage would do that ever, but he had. He had told Seth to get some spine and the mage had done so?
WHAT THE HELL WAS GOING ON HERE?
"I... had not planned to." But the words was most likely lost to El as she stomped away.
Because right now Jochy really was shell shocked. And gripped by an overwhelming urge to just do whatever it would take for Seth to forgive him. Anything.
Because this was the most miserable he had ever been.
Posted by: Seth deCiel Oct 24 2007, 07:50 PM
Seth watched the girl leave, taking hold of the mirror then and staring down into it, "Jochy."
He absently stroked the surface of the mirror, sighing, "Do not listen to her. Or to me. Find what -you- want. If you find someone you would like to bed, bed them. If you wish to go to Nialla... or Miss Elaine... I will tell them I am quits with you and you may be... whatever you choose."
The mage sighed then, silently wishing the other man was there.
"I will not guarantee I will be waiting. Nor that you will find a good reception when our paths cross next. And when you make your decision, Jochy. Truly make your decision, I will stand beside you as I am able."
He paused then, "I am going to give Melekain's mirror back to Elaine. Then I imagine she will be quite done with me as well. Will you say anything before we part?"
Posted by: Jochy Melechen Oct 24 2007, 07:56 PM
He should tell him. He should tell him right then and there that the only one he wanted right now was Seth.
But that would be in the heat of the moment and it wouldn't be... he shouldn't...
he should think about this.
He really should. Given all this shite he should actually get to grips with what he wanted.
Who he wanted.
And what he was willing to do.
"If... if she's dealing with him. I mean the mirror... I didn't know... warn her. I know she knows but... it ain't worth it. it's never worth it." His voice was unusually quiet, and he wasn't looking at anything in particular.
"Please, take care Seth."
Because... oh hell, how was he supposed to deal with this?
And it was worse for them.
That he knew.
Posted by: Seth deCiel Oct 24 2007, 07:59 PM
"And you, Jochy."
He looked around for a moment before letting his lips brush the mirror, "Know that you are loved."
And he wiped his tears from the mirror and thought of nothing except silence.
He shook his head slowly and turned to the door to go return the mirror.
Posted by: Jochy Melechen Oct 24 2007, 08:02 PM
Once it has been silent for long enough, Jochy simply pulled up his knees and leaned his forehead against them, hugging his legs.
He didn't cry, not really. He just sat there feeling sick to his stomach.